I really did not want to have to resort to any types of sleep training, but I am beyond exhausted and it's taking quite a toll on my overall health and mentality. It's gotten so bad that the other day, I woke up Bien from his nap (instead of it being Chei), got him dressed, and took him to school. Meanwhile, Chei was still fast asleep at home. Good thing I snapped out of it half way of getting there! I drove back home in such a panic because I was so afraid that Chei would wake up and realize that she was home alone by herself! She would have definitely been really scared.

I told Jun what happened that day and he felt really bad for me. He knows how exhausted I am and I know that as much as he wants to help more, there's not much he can do. His job is so physically demanding and I often feel guilty for keeping him up so late helping with the kids knowing that he has an early call-time and should be resting.

Well, that's parenting for ya!

The sleep training I chose isn't so bad and there isn't any crying-it-out involved. We have never let Bien cry anything out and regardless of how tired I am, I don't think I could ever do that to him. I love him too, too much to hear him cry himself to sleep!

Our problem is not that he has trouble falling asleep, he actually falls asleep quite easily. It's keeping him asleep through the night for longer than 2 hours is the issue here. After putting him down for the night, he will usually wake up 2-3 hours later for a bottle. I'll feed him and then he will wake up again every 2 hours from then on...sometimes earlier than that.

So I can see that maybe the problem is that he is associating the bottle with sleep? But I'm not sure because he doesn't have a bottle when I put him down for the night. I bedshare with him in the guestroom and I usually just lay him down beside me (after he has had what's supposed to be his last bottle for the day) and play some lullaby music until he falls asleep. And that doesn't take longer than 15 minutes, 20 minutes max and he is out. After that he is awake 2-3 hours later and every 2 hours after that until he wakes up for the day the following morning.

I figured that I need to wean him from the night feedings and ME. He may not be fully associating the bottle with sleep, but he definitely does not NEED to be fed every freakin' 2 hours through the night at 8 months. Also I think my being beside him while he sleeps is causing him to wake up. I figured that if breast-fed babies who co-sleep with their mothers can smell their mommy's milk, why should Bien be any different? Yes, he no longer breastfeeds, but he can certainly smell my scent when I'm only inches away. Maybe that's causing him to stir himself awake? I don't know, I'm not sure. But I will try sleeping in another room without him beside me and see if that makes a difference. It's going to be tough, I know it. I love sleeping beside him and knowing that he is safe and that no one is going to somehow get inside our house and kidnap him. Hey, I'm a mother okay. I can be paranoid all I want.

So tonight, with Jun's help (thank God) he is sleeping in his crib (FOR THE FIRST TIME!) by himself and will not have any bottles between 12am and 6am. I will be sleeping back in our room, on our comfy king size bed with my giant teddy bear. And by that I mean Jun. We're going to take turns going in when Bien wakes up and soothing him back to sleep without a bottle.

We're going to try this for a whole week and hope that Bien's sleeping improves. Even if after this he only sleeps between 12am and 6am, I will be forever grateful. I will gladly take that over what we have now!

So wish us luck!

But how can I do that if I am averaging 3 hours of sleep a day? Bien has been sick for over a week now. It started with a fever that lasted 3 days, and now it's a bad phlegmy cough with a runny nose. I'm thankful that his fever went away, we were starting to worry and I even thought of running him to the hospital on the 2nd night of his fever because his temperature went up to 102℉. He is still Mr. Cranky pants, only wanting mommy. He will not even let dad near him. When he sees his dad it's like I am giving him up for adoption, he screams and kicks until he's back in my arms again. I'm exhausted. I've been sleeping on the couch with Bien propped up on my lap so that he can breathe a little easier at night when he sleeps. Can you picture yourself sleeping on the couch sitting up?!? Yuh, not comfortable at all!

So kids, don't have kids! You hear me!

Of course I don't regret having my kids. They've been such a blessing for both Jun and I. And I am well aware what I signed up for, so imma just suck it up like a big girl.

On a happier note, Jun knows what I'm going through right now. He knows that I'm tired as hell (not to mention I have the matching looks to boot) so he's been spoiling me with materialistic things. Today he ordered me a Nintendo DSi in white ☺. So happy! I've been wanting it since it came out last year (I think it came out last year?) and I'm finally getting it. I already have the DS Lite in baby pink, but Chei has marked it as hers for a while now and won't let mommy play with it since apparently everything that is pink is HERS. So boo her.

And I'm getting a new phone — yes, again. My second phone in less than a year, bad me. Oh well. I deserve it ok!

I'm having a hard time between the white Blackberry Bold 9000 or the white iPhone. Haha. You guys seeing a pattern here? When once I was obsessed with pink, well now I am obsessed with white! I'm going to lay out my white Mac Book with my white PC along with my white cell phone and my white Nintendo DSi! All I need is a white digital camera!

Yes, I need to get a life. But I gotta get more sleep before I can do that. So night-night for now.

You end up dreaming about having an affair with BJ Penn!

No, we did not "get it on" in my dream. But I have to admit, it was a very nice, sweet (although strange), and mellow dream.

In my dream I was running around an airport for some reason, I was crying. Either my plane had left me or someone in the plane had left me. Who knows. All I know is that I was running around looking for someone and everything was in slow motion. You know, romance movie style.

And then I spotted my old best friend in the crowd, her name is Ana, too (she is the Banana I was referring to when people decided to award me with the nickname Apple). I cried to her so much I thought my chest was going to explode. And then she brought me downtown to a new restaurant that had just opened. When we sat down at our table, there was already someone sitting there, but we took it anyway. It was a man. He was masculine, baby face, and he just kept on smiling at me. And then out of nowhere I said, "Oh my God. I've been trying to figure out for the last half hour who you were and it just occurred to me that you are BJ Penn!"

He thought that was amusing and had a good laugh. Then he called me cute. Skip to a few episodes, we were walking down a street somewhere and he fessed up that he was already married, but cannot let me go. I told him that I was already engaged with kids and he just gave me that saddest look. He hugged me and I hugged him back. At one point I think he crushed my back. Dude is hella strong even in my dreams. Following that he said he still had two weeks left in the city and he wanted everyday to be with me. I said ok and squeezed his hands really tight.

And then we ended up at a George Lopez show. I sat next to George Lopez (because he liked to be a part of the audience to his own show? I dunno).

The End.

» twitter.com/nilazael

I've been contemplating for the longest time whether I needed another outlet to release my wise words in. I said there's no need, I already have FB. But then I saw that Ellen (Degeneres) was on Twitter and I said hayl yeah! I was convinced.

So there ya have it. Ellen made me do it. Now follow me? I hate being a noob.

Oh and, first person who can guess what 'nilazael' is gets something nice in the mail from me.

I know that Jun said I don't have to go back to work for as long as I want. Well, our deal is that when Bien starts kindergarten that is when I can go back. That's FIVE years from now. But I'd be lying if I said we are not struggling right now. I don't know. Maybe it's the Christmas holidays getting to me. Jun has 20 nieces and nephews (make that 21 next year) on his side alone and I have about 10. So yeh, every year Christmas is not fun for me at all. Around November is when I can start to feel my stress level go up.

I wish we could just give one gift for each family instead of each child. I know that sounds selfish, especially for the children, but c'mon. THIRTYFREAKINONE gifts and that's just for the kids is a bit much for a one-income family.

Ugh. Even venting about it makes my head hurt. I'm going to go lay down.

So why do successful men cheat?

Ok, fine. Women cheat, too. I am well aware of that. But it's just that much more fun to talk about the men who do it. Eh?

So yes, tell me. Manny Pacquiao is rumoured to be having (or have had) an affair with a sexy Filipina actress. He's been linked to another sexy actress before, but I think this time the rumour is true. Yeh yeh, I have no right to accuse. But I just think that he (and his supposed mistress) could have handled the media a lot better. Answering "No comment." and smiling is not what I would call handling the situation. It's called fueling the fire.

Kobe Bryant. We all know how that turned out. Stupid girl.

Then here's Tiger Woods. Really??? I am appalled! I've always thought that he was the type of man I'd like to marry. He looked like could be a very good father and husband. A family man I'd say. But I guess I was wrong. Secretly, I'm glad his wife beat his SUV with his golf clubs.

So do ALL men with money and power cheat? I would like to meet AT LEAST one successful man out there who is loyal to one woman and one woman only.

If any of you know of one, have him email me. K, thanks.

EDIT:

My Tiger Woods rumour reaction at its best.

A recap of my FB status: "...is reliving her most embarrassing moment from last night. Why these things always happen to me at Shoppers I will never know. (>_<)"

Bien got his 6 months shots yesterday afternoon and we decided to eat dinner at Smitty's afterwards. After dinner I remembered that Bien was out of rice cereal so we stopped at Shoppers Drug Mart. It was a quick errand so I left Jun and the kids in the truck. Went in, grabbed the cereal, and made my way to the cashier. On my way to the cashier I saw Jun at the lotto ticket booth without the kids! I was livid and quickly walked up behind him, smacked him behind the neck, and yelled, "YOU LEFT THE KIDS IN THE CAR?!?!?!"

When he turned around it was someone else!!! The guy looked at me and I really thought he was going to beat my ass down, but before he could I started to apologize in the speed of a machine gun. I kept on repeating myself, "I'm sooooooooo sorry! Sorry...sorry...sorry! I thought you were my boyfriend..." I think I even kissed his hand while I said sorry. And now that I think about it...ew. Why did I do that?

But it's over now. That was last night. And like I said, Shoppers should have an "Idiot of the Month" picture hanging behind their counter. I could most definitely be Miss November.

Jun has a habit of ignoring Chei when she is telling him something. She'll stand there asking for something and it's as if she's talking to a brick wall. And so he learned a good lesson today.

"Daddy, can you get me apple juice?"
"..."
"Daddy, please?"
[ happily scrolling through his laptop ]
"Daddy?"
"Dad?"
"Da?..."
"Daddy! Apple juice please???"
[ ... ]
[ sigh ]
"HEY BIG BOY!"
"What'dyou call me?"

That got his attention.

I just dropped Chei off to school and on my way back to my car, I came across a mom struggling with her child. The little girl was screaming on the top of her lungs, "I don't care if we're late! I wanna go home NOW!!!" I walked slowly towards my car, but really, I wanted to stay there and watch how the mom was going to handle the situation. The mom was knelt down so she was face to face with the child and I could barely hear her voice because she was so soft toned. Meanwhile, the little girl was throwing a major hissy fit. And then she yelled again and said, "No mom! I'm not going in there!!! I want to go home and watch tv!!!!"

So I just stood there wondering what was going to happen next. The mom was still knelt down and talking to her child as if she was putting her to sleep. I swear, I could see her mouth moving, but I couldn't hear her and I was only about 10 feet away. Next thing you know, BAM! The child smacks her own mother across the face! And I thought, oh shit. You're going to get it now.

Nope. The mother STILL knelt down talking to the little girl like a bird while the little girl is ripping off her gloves, her jacket, her boots and chucking it across the pavement.

I thought, Wow. Seriously. If that was me I would have dragged her ass back to our house so I could beat some respect into her. Dude. No kid of mine will ever smack me right across the face and get away with it!

Thank God I've never had to think about beating my own kid though. Cheina really is a good girl and knows her boundaries. When she's misbehaving all I have to do is give her "The Stare of Death" and she sits right back down and shuts up.

I remember being a kid though and would get the beatings from my mom, my older brother, and my teachers. Ha! Not that I was a bad kid, but back in the Philippines if a child stepped out of line even just a little bit...there's a meter stick coming for your ass!

With Chei, when she's really pushing it and just doesn't want to listen I smack both her hands and send her to the washroom with the lights off. That's pretty much the toughest I've had to get around here. She hates that, but it's usually enough to get her to think twice about her actions from there on.

I think parents who have toddlers/little kids with rotten (as in black and wasted away) teeth are irresponsible. Like, how do you let it get THAT bad?!

I said that I would not get myself or my family vaccinated from the H1N1 virus, but I totally ate up my words today. I feel bad and have to correct myself over at asian_beauty because I told the girls there that I felt against it.

I changed my mind after weighing out the pros and cons, benefits and disadvantages of not getting it. In the end, I realized that I would be putting so much more at risk if I didn't get it for us.

So today we did. And now my arm is sore as a mutha. I'm really hoping that none of us get a bad reaction. Bien fell asleep right after his shot and I am already expecting a sleepless night tonight. I'm probably not even going to bother with sleeping tonight. I know that once he wakes up, he will start to feel something. Let's just hope that I am wrong and that he sleeps it off until the morning comes.

Oh and today my little guy is exactly 6 months old! Yay! I can't believe 6 whole months have passed already. In just another 6 months he will be 1 year old. And next thing you know I'm sending him off to his first day of school just like his big sister. Wow.

I have so many things to look forward to. But one things for sure, I don't want to grow old. Not that I am afraid of aging, but because when I get old it means so will my children. They will eventually have careers and families of their own. And next thing you know, it's just me and Jun all alone in our house.

.::sigh::.

I don't want to think about it anymore. It's just going to depress me.

We went out to get some dinner and in a rush I grabbed a pair of jeans in my closet which I thought were my maternity jeans (yes, I'm still wearing them). So without even realizing it I put on my size 2 — YES, size TWO — jeans from The Gap and fit into them! Woofreakinhoo!

You guys have no idea how happy that makes me! I ran outside of the house jumping around like a kangaroo in my size TWO jeans. I can't believe it. I eat like a cow and drink at least one iced coffee a day which most likely has 5000 calories in it and I still managed to lose weight. That my friend is amazing.

/end of bragging.

I have never been so happy to smell poop! Bien has been constipated for the past 3 days and thus, cranky. He is sitting quietly in his bouncy chair and I can smell THAT funky smell. I'm looking at him right now and he just flashed me a smile. LOL. I think he's saying, "It's time, Ma."

Aight, I'm going to go change my little guy. And I'm hoping it's a BIG one!

Never thought I'd ever catch myself saying that about poop.

I submitted this idea to asian_beauty and decided I'd like to use it for my own journal as well. You guys can comment with your answers if you want!

And since today is Tuesday, it would have to be "Tuesday Confessions" day!

So, my confession for today is...

I haven't shaved my legs in so long that Jun's legs are jealous of mine. Seriously.

What's your Tuesday Confession? Tell me!

Just popped in quickly to greet you guys a Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm thankful for everything that I have and that is including you people!
Enjoy!

Oh and here's a treat from Mama A:





"And you couldn't have at least changed the blanket before snapping that thing at me, hey Ma?"

Heehee. Don't mind the Dora blanket. He's just borrowing from big sister, Chei.

I know, I know. Waaaaaaaay overdue. But I'm sure you all can sympathize with me on this one...I'm still sleepless at night and pretty much running on 3 hours of sleep — daily.

At 2 months he was doing soooooo good. He pretty much had a set routine, which he did all on his own. Bath time at 7pm, bottle at 8pm, bedtime at 9-10pm, early morning bottle at 3am, and up for the day at 8am. And then his 2 month appointment came, got his shots...and then downhill from there. I'm telling you. The doctor broke my baby! Since then he has never been the same. And at 3.5 months he's one messed up baby. He just recently mastered rolling over from tummy to back and they say that for every developmental milestone comes one fussy baby. Yup. Couldn't be anymore true with this little guy! During the day he's just too busy to eat. The other day he went on SIX hours without feeding! Despite my efforts in trying to get him to take at least a few ounces, he only managed to chow down on 2 ozs. And that's pretty much how he's like during the day. 2 ozs here and there. But once bedtime hits, THAAAAAAAT'S when he wants to eat! His last bottle for the night before the A.M feed is anywhere from 10-15 ozs! And then he'll wake up every 2 hours from there to eat again until the sun comes up, I guess trying to make up for what he didn't take during the day. But you know what else is funny? Once he opens his eyes at 8am there's no taking that bottle. He stretches then starts cooing and kicking and smiling and turning his head left and right as if the room is spinning. *Sigh* I'm sooooooooooooo tired. Some nights I don't even bother going down to sleep because I get even more tired when I have to turn myself off and on like that. So I just stay up and wait for when Jun can take over in the morning. Thank goodness he's working nights for the meantime, so handing Bien over to him in the morning doesn't make me feel so guilty. But despite that, I still only get 3-5 hours of sleep within 24 hours. I guess as a mother, even with very little sleep, I feel like my son needs ME to care for him...cuz Dad sucks at times.

I've been reading a few Baby Info blogs and articles on this whole baby developmental milestones and how they affect baby (yeh, you'd think that by already having a 5 yr old I would know my stuff) and I'm learning so much I never knew! Pretty interesting things out there. And apparently...I'm doomed for the next few months of Bien's life. Man. Looks like this year is going to be a toughy. But hey, at least I know my baby's healthy and reaching these milestones at the appropriate times. I can't complain. Well ok. I can. I just need a wee bit more sleep.

So anyway, I know you guys haven't seen a picture of him since he was...well. Born. Sorry! Here ya go =D

( ♥ )

I went in to kiss Chei goodnight, but before walking in I heard her praying to Cheezus (Jesus).

"Cheezus, I think I'm beginning to really like baby brother. Can you make sure that the bad guys don't take him away? And can you also make sure that he always has milk? Because if there's no more milk...I think he'll be very sad. And hungry. I asked Mommy if I could give him some of my corn if there's no more milk and she said no, brother needs to grow some teeth first or else he will get choke. Cheezus, even though brother cries a lot...I know you don't like it when kids cry, do you think you can tell Santa to give him a present for Christmas anyway? Because if he sees MY present he'll get jealous and I don't want him to get jealous. Or if you want, you can tell Santa not to give me a present this year so brother doesn't see it. I can wait until next year when I can teach him not to cry so much so that Santa will like him. Is that a deal? But make sure I get TWO presents, ok? Thank you. Amen."

God I love this kid.

I miss sleeping. I miss cleaning the house to no end. I miss driving around with no time limits. I miss hugging Chei at night while we sleep. I miss shaving my legs. I miss going on the computer whenever I want. I miss shopping. I miss smelling like a woman and not puke. I miss not planning my days. I miss my non-saggy stomach. I miss Jun.